Disney has released a new batch of genetically engineered teenagers for its new season television shows. It’s just like putting the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together, resident Disney IVF engineer Andrew Roark told The Onion News Network. Teen heartthrob Mitchel Musso, for example, is model 6831-A, a standard male base with Type 3 skin pigmentation. To save costs, engineers normally use the same DNA base with minor variations in the hair and skin colour. New techniques allow unprecedented ethnic blends and future models could even be capable of nuance and subtlety, The Onion reports.

Well, if you buy any of that, we have a bridge to sell you at a once-only discount. But at least this clever spoof from “America’s finest news network” shows one possible avenue of commercial development if genetic engineering were ever to take off.